The Rural Momhood: SOUL

Why I Forgo my Teaching Deployment

6/07/2017 12:00:00 AM

A permanent teaching position is every teacher applicant's dream. I had my chance of getting one this year. Being a top ranker in our District, getting an item is expected to be easy. Based on the Localization Law, a teacher should be deployed to a school near his/her residence. Since the school I applied to doesn't have an item, neighboring town contacted me. It was a blissful event. I even screamed when I got called. So I rushed to Roxas National High School to learn about the position. And that's where I met Teacher X. That will be me.

What is a Teacher X? As I understood from the principal, Teacher X is a teacher on cue to take a teaching item as soon as it's vacated. Vacancy can be a natural vacancy (vacancy because the school needed an additional teacher) or someone retired. Will Teacher X receive a compensation while in service? It purely depends on arrangement with the school. What's clear is Teacher X will receive a compensation when his/her status is changed from Teacher I or better.

I consulted few key people about their say. Most of them said, I should go. It could just be a test of dedication. But my heart..

My heart sunk when the compensation part was discussed. I understood that newly-hired DepED teachers will receive their first salary that after 5 months or so. Teacher X salary timeline is unclear. My head can not process the fact that I am taking risk of serving students without compensation. Dedication is there but my family depends on me. The choice was between something-I-wanted to do and something-I-have-to-do.The weekend after the discussion was restless. I have been making a mental list of things of pros and cons. Monday came and a choice needs to be made. Something-I-have-to-do won. I need to feed my family. It's a short-term goal but a very important one. I am not belittling what DepEd offers to the teaching force. Compensation and other perks is actually great. Not to mention the retirement package.

People who had heard about my choice have shared their dismay. "It could have been my chance', they say. It's one of the hardest decision I have made. Putting a dream to rest for a season. Yes, I will go back to square one when hiring seasons open. But my consolation is that, I have peace when I made my choice. My family will be provided for. I received a promise of compensation raise and have received some few other offers. It was indeed a time of faith-stretching. For now, I will make most of my "free" time to be productive and to make a better version of myself. So that when my time comes, I will be more effective. And will have more to offer.

Do you have a similar story? Share on the comment box.

P.S. A

FREEBIES

When on the Verge of Burning Out

3/03/2017 01:08:00 AM

Admit it moms. There are days when you just feel tired of doing the same things everyday, over and over. I won't judge you for that. Because I know you are always dedicated to serve your family and always put your family's needs ahead of you. Being tired and getting frustrated (sometimes) is OK. I believe God did not gave us these emotions for nothing.

I am going through rough times these days. Toddler seems allergic with sleep again. Our usual sleep is 12:30 AM! It frustrates me 'cause night time is my catch-up time for work. But how can I do it if the toddler only wants to be cradled and play with my breast?

What I do when I feel like burning out:

Admit it. As therapist would say, acceptance (admitting) you're tired is essential to healing. I think admitting that fact won't make you a lesser person. In fact will Be honest with yourself. Now let's fill in the blank. I am stressed because ________________.
Take a walk. Go outside and be away from what's stressing you. But in cases when my daughter causes the stress, I take her on my walks.
Have some me time. Related to #2. My me time may mean climbing up the roof where I cry my stress out or grooming my brows. For some, this could mean a warm bath or an hour on Pinterest or Facebook. Or even a dose of a feel good movie. Activities for me time can be limitless. P.S. It's OK to scream to but make sure that it's not in front of your toddler. It could be traumatic for her.
Call a friend. Not necessarily to tell her about your pain. But simple talking to someone you know who cares. In my case, that will be my mother. I love the fact that I can be transparent with her. A few moments of laughter is an additional therapy.
Write a journal entry of things you are thankful for.
Talk to God and lay all you burdens on his feet. Claim what is written on Matthew 11:28 (KJV) Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. This verse is like a balm to the heart.

And to remind you of that promise, I'm sharing this free artwork that you can hang on your home's wall. (You can also share it to your friends but please share the link of this post instead of the download link. Thank you.)

Click on the image to download.

How about you? What do you do when you feel like burning out?

ROAD TO DEPED

English Proficiency Test 2017: Frustrations and Celebrations

2/20/2017 08:32:00 AM

English Proficiency Test or EPT is an examination conducted by Dep Ed Bureau of Assessment Examinations (BEA). For K-junior applicants, this exam makes up 15% of the overall assessment score to qualify for RQA. 5% for Senior High School applicants. It is a 90-minute exam on written grammar, error identification and reading comprehension.

2 years ago, I took the same exam. By that time, the system is first come, first served. That means, who ever comes early to the testing center will of course, take the exam early. I was happy to know that this year, Dep Ed Isabela School Divisions Office have created room assignments. The document was released a day before the exam. The release was late, yes I know. In addition to that, the schedule of exam was changed too. Instead of having a 2-day schedule for the exam, it was reduced to 1. Possible reasons: fear of leakage, large number of applicants who retained their EPT score from last year, some backed out, other applicants were not on the list.

My exam schedule is Feb 18 and probably after lunch because I'm grouped with the 4th batch. Thank you, surname. Our team decided to go early to the test venue just in case there are other changes on the arrangement. True enough. Co-applicants from our district called and informed us that the exam will be first-com-first-served basis again. It is an advantage for me because I don't have to waste the whole day waiting for my turn.

Each room would only accommodate 30 examinees. For easier control and documentation. When we arrived, first batch is already set to begin. We chose a room to take the exam, made an unofficial list to create a reservation. Little did we know, next to the room where we chose to take the exam is a reserved testing room. It's a room that houses applicants from the first batch who were not accommodated because test booklets are insufficient. Frustration#2. Learning about the "reserved testing room" heated the situation.

Oh, don't chose a room closest to the entrance of the venue. It will surely be crowded. Chances of getting in is slimmer.

What now? Our group formed a line near the room entrance. On our faces a determination to enter the room even to the point of breaking rules. Na, just keeping. Though, it's kind of frustrating that we have to fight for our position. I'm on the 25th-ish spot and I am a little worried. What if there are other applicants who squeezed themselves before me? My heart pounded faster when the proctor told us that we can get in. There is pushing, screaming. Seconds later, I found myself seating on the last row. Like a fire ball catapulted.

The exam format did not really change. I can also identify some questions from 2 years ago. 15 items on grammar, 25 on identifying errors and 50 on reading comprehension. I took it for about 40 minutes. The exam seems easy. But after discussing with the team after the exam, I can identify some mistakes on my answers. I am aiming for 85% to get a decent final grade on the assessment.

As for the administration of the exam, I hope the next ones will be more efficient. BEA could implement an official wait list for applicants in each testing room. Guidelines and other announcements should be made at least 3 days earlier.

What to celebrate for? I started the exam with a prayer that I may honor God through it. It is tempting to discuss with a seatmate but I remained focused on my work. Whatever will be the result, I'll still be praising God for all the favor and His guidance through the application process. I was able to gain and re-gain friends.

*English Proficiency Test 2017 SDO Results here

*Junior High School RQA 2017-2018 SDO

SOUL

If I Fall In Love (Again)

2/14/2017 10:33:00 PM

After my fall, one thing I promised myself - I WILL LOVE AGAIN. I will love again but for a season, I enclosed my heart in a wall where no one can get in. I hid my heart for it to heal. This year started with a prayer with my daughter for God to send us the right man.

I will not allow my non-negotiables be compromised. #1 on the list, he must love my Jesus. I have this history of compromise and sitting on the fence with my feet dangling on both sides. He must love my Jesus because if he does, all other traits will follow. For sure, he will be a man of integrity. A man who will only think of my well-being. A man who will treat me with respect no matter how dark my past is.

I will allow myself and him to grow. I will give him space to explore new things and enrich himself. I will allow him to decompress and be silent. I will respect his boundaries.

I will still be independent. But will be submissive in a healthy way.

I will honor him in every way.

I will not disconnect from the support system called friends. I may accept advise from here and there but I will only accept those that I believe will help build my relationship with him.

I wouldn't know when the right time will come. But I want to make sure that when that day comes, I am already the Ms.Right, Mr right is looking for.

SOUL

Breaking the Shell

12/06/2016 08:55:00 PM

Every one has a story to tell. 3 years after leaving the corporate life, I have learned to embrace the simplicity of rural life. A few days after my final day in my Makati I began to ask questions. Will I be able to survive here? Will I be able to make a living while I'm in the place I termed as middle earth? The fund on my bank account began to deplete as my tummy began to grow bigger and I heavier with a baby. More questions came. But 2 and a half years after, with my 2 year old daughter sitting beside my as I write; things are starting to make sense. Yes, like a thousand-piece puzzle that's beginning to reveal a beautiful picture.

Where I am now?

Answering that question with a name of place is not enough. Answering that with my current occupation is also not enough. People wants to read, hear stories. So here I am, with all my strength and courage, I opening my life to the public once again. You see, it's like breaking out of the shell.

Many people may have asked, where is Anne now? I'm very sure that some may have shaking their head upon knowing that I am stuck in this barrio after some adjustments. Perhaps some brows have raised when they found out that I am a single mom. There were days I have to hold back my tears during pity parties. I pity myself for getting on the mess I'm in. It's harder to cope up with failure when you're an achiever.

One night, while having another pity party a voice spoke to my heart saying "You only need to please me." I felt like some shackles fell off me. Now I am freer to be me. I'm freer to share my story without the fear of being judged. That's also the starting point where I started to forgive myself.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Love has blinded me. Little did I know it wasn't love that has blinded me to make foolish decisions. It was lust pretending as love. I don't have anything against love. In fact, love is the same reason why I have not given up. Love has made me resilient. Given the chance, will I do the same mistake again? I think I will because my story won't be accurate if I changed anything from the past. Though I wish I was wiser - wiser to determine what love is from what is not. And yes be wiser with my finances.

What's happening?

Motherhood defines my current status. I am a mother to a daughter and a guardian to a male adolescent. Motherhood also defines me as I work part-time as a computer teacher. Motherhood is also a role I play as I teach young kids about God and being Christ-like in kid's church. I'm still in a journey of learning a lot of things. Part of it is relearning to unlearn. This is the season where I am now sitting on the rubles and shaking off the remnants of my old self. This is the season where I learned to laugh at my past mistakes and make see the future in a different light. Going through the valley of pain is just a season. Those too shall past. If I have given up on the early stage of the race I won't be a able to see my daughter grow to someone smart, beautiful, talent, healthy child. I consider her as the reward of my resilience.

What's going to happen?

Future is uncertain. Though I am maintaining a list of things I wanted to achieve and do in the future. Pursue public teaching, be a part-time farmer, continue being the best mom for my daughter, grow my financial portfolio to name a few. Get married when I feel it's time. I am just going to leave the rest in the hands of God right now and enjoy the moment. I may still fall at some point of the race but I will continue to fight with a good fight.

PARENTING

A Storyabout Dependence

11/07/2014 08:30:00 AM

Sophie is turning 2 months in 10 days. Diaper changing and breastmilk-drench clothes has become part of our daily lives. She has grown a lot in span of 2 months. Heavier. Chubbier cheeks. She also started to establish routines of sleep, play and feeding.

While I am catching up with my online work last night, she was half-asleep by my side. I have already fed her, changed diaper and ensured that she wears comfy clothes. I smiled as I watch her sleep. Though I noticed that she looks uneasy. She seems to be “tossing herself to sleep”. It was already pass midnight. I turned of my laptop and lied next to her. Instantly, signs of restlessness stopped.

It was a moment I realized that this little girl’s life revolves around me. She is totally dependent to me. When I lied next to her, she recognized my presence. She recognized my warmth. A warmth she equates to security and peace. A warmth she understands as care. She knows that as long as that warmth is beside her she will not grow hungry. She will not have to endure the ecky feeling of wet diapers. She doesn’t have to worry about the cold.

Sometimes, I feel guilty of not giving her that much attention while I am working. I may have held her hand while doing my researches. She may be sleeping on my lap while I am processing images. But I am not really there because my attention is not fully unto her.

I am becoming dependent to my little one, too. That’s a secret. Lesser crying moments and smiles are becoming a security and pride that I am doing a good job.

That’s cute to read but I know I could use some counseling, a good advice to change that mindset of mine. I know that pride and security thing can hurt my parenting. Tendencies of racing a spoiled brat? Uh-oh!

Shall we just ignore those signs of approval from our little ones? Of course not. Those precious moments are treasure. A true delight for a parent.

We just have to re-establish where our pride and security should come from.

LORD GOD.

He alone.

I am reminded of what our pastor adviced me before going to college: Psalm 34:4-5
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him.

An advice that never goes old and still applicable even if our season of life has changed. If you read the chapter a bit further, you will learn that delighting in God, dependency on Him comes with a promise that He himself will do for you.

My prayer is for God to reteach me to refocus my heart and mind unto Him. To my faith be like a child again, to have that total dependency unto Him. I know as I delight in Him, as I trust Him; He will transform me to a mom who’s best for Sophie. Amen.

PARENTING

The Birth my First Born

11/04/2014 06:41:00 PM

Subtitle: Sophie's Birth: God is in Control

The day began with a grateful heart. God has spared our town from a threatening storm. The sun peeping through the clouds is a relief to the farmers who will be harvesting rice in a few days. The sunshine also gave me relief that I am not giving birth during a storm. One item from the fear list overcame.

Lunch came. Fluid trickled down my legs. Could this be a sign that Sophie is coming? I did not panic 'cause I thought it was just a normal uncontrolled pee. Nanay insisted that we go see my OB. Since the hospital is an hour drive from home we decided to load my hospital bag, Sophie's clothes and other stuff we might be needing in case it's time to give birth. It was already pass 5PM when my OB saw me. She thought that it was only urine but upon further checking she noticed that it was a leak. After an IE, she said that it's not yet time. She advised me to have a sonogram to measure my amniotic fluid. Readings are all normal. I have been leaking for 3 days but I am not really aware. I'm glad I keep myself hydrated. Otherwise, Sophie may have "dried up."

I was advised to have complete bed rest. At the hospital for a night. This is with a hope that the leak may stop. I was given antibiotics to prevent injection. A protection for me and baby.

A day have passed and I am still leaking. My OB came and I have hints that I might not have a normal delivery. Fear started to build up inside me. I don't want to have a C-section. Another reason why I don't want to undergo this operation is my financial condition. I don't want to burden my parents for it.

I had an X-ray on my pelvic area to see if there is any progress. I don't feel any pain except for Sophie's weight pressing on my bladder. The reading came after lunch the next day. My anatomical build up can not support normal delivery. My pelvis is too narrow for Sophie to pass through. My OB have explained consequences and possible options. We may be running out of time.

Decisions. Decisions. Nanay said that if normal delivery possible then we should push for C-section. Sophie is our priority. She should come out for our safety. I just said OK then excused myself.

I secretly cried.

I cried because I felt like I'm a lesser woman.

This is not the kind of birth I have in mind. I don't want it but I have no choice. Pipi is still at work and because of another storm it's impossible for him to come home.

5PM came. Nurses came to prep me up for the operation. I texted my Victory Group and friends to pray for me. In a matter of minutes, I found myself inside the operation room. The room was a bit crowded but I felt alone. No one is there to hold my hand. I comforted myself by humming worships songs inside my head. These lines were on the loop.
"You are great God, you are an awesome wonderful God. Mighty in battle. Better than life."

30 minutes after I first heard Sophie's cry. I kissed her before her pedia and a nurse took her to the NICU. She was observed for 24 hours, hooked with IV and given antibiotics.

My birth is not purely drama. In fact there was more things to be grateful about.

September 17 2014. I officially became a mommy. I thank God for sustaining me through my 37 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy. Baby Sophie came out healthy.

I am alive! I have survived the C-section though my platelet count is low. My blood pressure normalized after having a slight eclampsia. No excessive bleeding. No blood transfusion needed. I did not experience labor pain.

Nanay was able to keep calm during my operation.

Sophie's birth is a reminder that God is the one who is in control of our lives. Yes, we can make plans but God will still have the final words. All glory belongs to God.